Zoo notes


The sexual life of a camel

is stranger than anyone thinks

At the height of the mating season

He tries to bugger the sphinx

But the sphinx’s posterior orifice

is clogged with the sand of the nile

Which accounts for the hump of the camel

And the sphinx’s inscrutible smile


refrein   Singing bum titty, bum titty, titty bum, (tity bum)

bum titty, bum titty, aye

                bum titty, bum titty, titty bum, (titty bum)

                bum titty, bum titty, aye

                ‘cause we’re all queers together,

                that’s why we go around in pairs

                Yes, we’re all queers together

                excuse us while we go upstairs


The sexual life of a bullfrog

Is hard to comprehend

At the height of the mating season

he tries to bugger his friend

But his friend’s posterior orafice

is clogged up with bog weed and slime

which accounts for the croak of the bullfrog

and why he goes ‘urrrrrgh’ all the time



In the process of civilization

from the anthropoid ape down to man

it is generally held that the navy

has buggered what ever it can

Yet recent extensive researches

by Darwin and Huxley and Hall

have conclusively proved that the hedgehog

has never been buggered at all



We therefore believe our conclusion

is incontraversibly shown

that comparative safety on shipboard

is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone

Why haven’t they done it at spithead

as they’ve done it on Harvard and Yale

and also at Oxford and Cambridge

by shaving the spines of it’s tail



It was Christmasday in the Harem

The eunuchs sat on the stairs

watching the dusky maidens

combing their pubic hairs

When a voice from the sultan’s gallery

rang out through the marble halls

shouting: What do you want for Christmas?

And the eunuchs all answered: Balls



The sexual life of an ostrich

is hard to understand

At the height of the mating season

he burries his head in the sand

When along comes an other ostrich

on seeing that arse in the air

Does he muff it or cuff it or stuff it

or doesn’t he fucking well care?


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